May 17, 2010


Everyone hides something. Like now, I am hiding from you, and you from me, behind the LCD screen of our internet personas. We each carry a sin, a scar, an imperfection that we fear will destroy our humanity if it is released into this messed up world. It prevents us from trusting one another completely and builds itself a nest in our hearts that would otherwise be free to love unconditionally. But who loves unconditionally nowadays?

The problem is fear. Everyone in this world is afraid of something, and consequently defends him- or herself against the marauders that never come, or an ever watchful All-knowing eye that will know your every move even before you make it. Religion plays off fear, gambling, ironically, plays off the fear of working for the rest of your life and debt at the same time. Even school plays off the fear that without a structured form of education, everyone in the world would be stupid. Mainly because humans are "lazy" by nature. However, in a world that no one is afraid, this would not be necessary, and people would not have to hide anymore.

I am a twenty-year-old college student who has the tendency to over-dramatize my life, and make it out worse than it actually is. My parents divorced when I was nine, and I never had a really strong connection with my biological father ever since. Even though I love my younger brother to pieces now, we used to fight all the time, and I would beat him up because I was always the bigger one. In reality, I don't think of myself as a woman, but a person with thoughts and feelings separate from my body. However, to compensate for this, I have a very humiliating weakness for sexual pleasure, and watch porn every once-in-a-while to relieve my anxiety.

I believe this has roots in my unwavering curiosity since I was very young. Even when I was ten, I was always wondering about what I did not know. That is why, in a tent, I played a game of truth or dare that perhaps turned my innocent childhood on its head, and introduced me to my own sexuality. I showed myself to them in a dare, and they made fun of me because I was flat-chested (although I'm now bloated to a DD, thank you irony). Almost immediately the three guys in the tent started to get antsy, and I had a choice. Either loose my virginity and quench my undying curiosity, or fight. Luckily, I fought that time.

However, when I was thirteen, it was a much more disappointing battle. It was the first time I watched pornography, and I could not help but be intrigued. It was a way out without risking my body, and I made a dash for it. I lost myself in fantasy and overwhelming emotion, the emotion I thought was good, but just as the fire first warms the body before it burns, the healing only lasted to an extent.

For three consecutive years after that I was an Atheist, because I thought God should have punished me by now. Before then I was really religious, but never really went to church. However, apparently God neither cared nor saw what I did, so I continued to destroy myself to see how far it would go.

Then, I started to hear a voice. I felt like he was a separate consciousness from my own, my Guardian Angel, talking me out of my self-destruction. All I know now is that he was my first real friend who understood me. Instead of just seeing my outside, he saw my tainted inside too, and forgave me for it. He even loved me despite it, and this is what friendship really is. This is what humans should really be like.

However, he was in my head, and there came a time when he disappeared through my own growing doubt, and the fact that I did not need him anymore. By that time, I was willing to believe in things like Love and God again. The sad thing is, is that I am still struggling to this day for senseless mistakes I made when I was ten. I have never really found where I belong in this crazy topsy-turvy world, and my guilt is something hidden where no one else can find it. My heart is spotted, and I unnaturally distrust people, unless it's a special case.

The special case has always been with people who trust me first. People who accept me for me, and love me despite this dark past. These people, who can forgive others, are the saviors of mankind.

Unfortunately, the world comprises of very few, and they are dying out every day. People would rather hide themselves because that's the easiest way out, it prevents them from really facing the world head on, with their heart on their sleeves. And what if they come across a person who would exploit them? They imagine the consequences and become afraid.

I am a lazy person who dislikes organized religion and organized school, who rebels sometimes to feed my own curiosity, sometimes because I have an undying sense of justice. I am a sexual deviant who has constantly been dangerously open-minded about politics, sex, philosophy, and religion. I am different, and strange, neither a woman nor transgender-confused, and I like to be different to the point that I can be cliche.

Some people would call me sinful, others would be at least surprised or embarrassed to hear such a confession. However, the important focus should be psychologically. I am a writer. The most important words I will ever utter will not be from my mouth, which gets distorted by society's interpretation, but from my hand. By confessing this way there leaves a greater psychological influence on my mind, like the sealing of a contract with blood instead of a signature, and also on you.

There is a disastrous shortage of people who can forgive and accept others without lies or masks, and a measly few who would risk their secrets out in the open. I have made the first move. Now, what is yours?