April 30, 2010

Something About You

There's something about you. Your gaze neither falters nor stares, neither belittles nor gratifies, glows nor dims, traces nor examines. In short, your eyes are the perfect balance. A hazel blue, contrasting against my cool brown, you are ignorant of everyone other than yourself or others like you. The world you live in is perfectly balanced, like your eyes. Your hair partless, mine parted to the side, dark-short-thick, wild and untameable--yours highlighted-long-straight and lovely. Your parents are here tonight, mine are two hours away, and my heart aches for them to be here.

Walking in front of me, you smile because you're life is exactly what it should be, I smile because I don't know what else to do. Like a caged animal, I bare my teeth, but my eyes stare down at the steps, making sure I step with conviction, holding the railing for support. I am out of my element, you skim through the crowd, buoyant upon the praise and adoration. Everyone claps for everyone, everyone is content with themselves.

And what am I? I ask myself this question every day. What is my purpose in this world of smiles, endless applause, and unstaring faces? God has lain a curse on my soul, Frankenstein reborn to take another walk around the world until I die, I suppose. If being content in happiness is my sacrifice, what is my reward?

I reach the podium as you sit down to watch. Taking my evidence and looking at my Benefactor straight in the eyes, I gripped my miracle tight in my hand, which shook from disbelief. I had, for a second, entered your world and saw with a brief ray of hope, what it felt like to be free from the curse. To try your best and never back down, to think only of the positives and never the negatives, to be one in many, and many in one, not just one alone. Because everyone was clapping for me, and I heard someone call my name with congratulations. And perhaps if my parents were there I would have cried, but they weren't.

I retreated to the back, and collapsed against the wall with a sigh. You might have forgotten who I am already, but I have never forgotten you. Every time your name is mentioned, I feel a mixture of desire-jealousy-sadness that threatens to overwhelm me, but each time I choose to continue to hide that part of my self away. That which will transform me into you.

Why? Well, perhaps once you realize I am still here, have been here, will be here forever (for how can I easily drift away?), we can work something out between us--be the person we once were.

Something about you seems to laugh when I cry, jump when I fall, succeed when I fail, pull when I push, sing when I scream out, at the top of my lungs--WHERE ARE YOU?

Frankenstein reborn, I am in constant searching for that something that cannot be found in earthseaskyheaven, only by the inner light of some undetermined event far in the future. In short, I am searching for you.