Best Friend

There is no greater pain than regret,

mainly because it consumes one's soul and burrows deep inside, deeper and deeper, until it cannot be plucked out.

Some people tell themselves they deserve it, that their past sins have made them into this unfeeling monster for a reason. Perhaps... It was meant to be this way.

Others don't see it so deterministically. It was a past action that caused psychological damage so severe that, against their better judgment, haunted them and cursed them. They try to free themselves by looking on the positive, and it works for a while. Like a regular citizen they smile, buy groceries, even laugh and sing. However, when the darkness comes and they realize that they are once gain with themselves, they can't help but see that monster in the mirror, staring back at them with unrelenting eyes.

***

The lamplight is giving me a headache, I'm going to shut it off now... Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, for my blog. I've planned to write about manga, and I'm falling being. I always fall behind. Regret. Okay. I'll read it.

This person reminds me of Lily. And me. Mint chocolate ice cream in hot chocolate, I would always give her a cup. I smiled so awkwardly back then. I was really nervous, like a true freshman. I really did care about her. It wasn't romantic love... Though sometimes it got a little out of control and I would think about the 'what if'... But... for the most part I only wanted to have a best friend. Finally.

After traveling so long and far, after not really seeing people, only seeing through them, I saw her. I talked to her, and she had loved talking to me. I grew absorbed into our relationship, ignoring the negative signs. The fights. Her warning me we were too close for being just friends. Too close... Is there such a thing? Is it wrong to have a best friend? Maybe... I don't deserve to have a best friend.... ever.

The tears were hot on my cheek, burning my eyes. It was familiar, an itch in my eyes that always dimmed next to the painful jump of the heart. Like the heart wanted to throw itself out of the body, suffocating in the cold room air. But, my rib cage prevented. The cage every person is forced to sing and dance in. The cage of mortality.

"Maybe in the next world it will be better." I tell my boyfriend, and he keeps telling me that's a crappy way to look at the world.

More than anything... I am sorry. I am sorry for being this weak and making him worry. I'm sorry for saying that I wanted to break off our friendship. I'm sorry for not being the best I can possibly be. To waste the potential in my body and contemplate throwing it all away. I'm even sorry for not having the courage to do that. Across the road, not up the river, they say.

***

I used to hear voices in my head, but it was never malignant. They didn't tell me to kill people or hurt myself, if anything, they kept me from being bored and made fun of stupid people to my childish amusement. They were like the commentators of my life. They sometimes called me stupid if I slept in too late, or risked temptation by reading a raunchy book or going online to look up porn. It was because of these voices that I became aware of my conscience. I decided to stop my childish temptations.

But, I never could stop biting my nails. My mom told me I would get gang green, and I even did one time, but I cut it off before it grew big enough to pose a threat. But, behind her back, or sometimes even right after she had scolded me, I would bite again.

Beyond all reason, I didn't care. I needed to consume myself, I needed that pain. To remind myself I'm still alive, to remind myself I'm still human, for whatever reason, I did it. Sometimes, it was as simple as being hungry.

Then, I began biting the insides of my cheek.

Over the next years, I couldn't stop being nervous, biting always. My lips, my cheeks, my nails, til my cheeks were hashed, my nails were stubs, and my lips were cracked. Even then, I bore the pain and kept biting. Like a dog refusing to stop eating, I got bloated on my own flesh.

I began to think I was the only one with this pain.

Then, either I went crazy, or I found a Guardian Angel. Talking in a soothing male voice, he saved me from myself, and taught me to love myself for who I was. He knew I was conceited, and smiled. He knew I was selfish, and held my hand. He would talk to me and be my friend, a better friend than any real flesh and body person ever was. He was my first best friend, my only best friend. And the sad part is...

He was only in my head.

***

Only I can understand me, I kept saying to everyone. Why should I trust anyone? They can't see this disease in my soul, growing, consuming me, they can't help because they don't know what it's like. It's a viscous denial that many people drop into. Because I couldn't believe anyone understood, I never thought anyone could help. I fought with harsh words and even blows to keep people from trying to help me. I yelled at the top of my lungs for people to leave me alone and cry.

The thing is, some people didn't stop.

My mom. My boyfriend. The two closest people I've let into my heart. They didn't give up.

Eventually. It happens this way. The person hurting either commits suicide, or wakes up and starts listening.

It happened once before, through a Guardian Angel, but this time God was in a different form. Not in my mind. Real. I had to learn how to be happy again. Smile. Laugh. Without getting sad and thinking on the bad side. Step. Step. One step forward. Two steps back. Three steps forward. Until, I can feel it, I am a different, lighter person.


I can't wait til that time comes...

Ending-Beginning

"Please, this dingy won't save us from an eight-point earthquake."

"Yes, I know that. Still doesn't change what I want to do. We've got to save everything--ourselves."

"Some things you can't stop. In comparison to the universe, Humans are small, weak creatures. We've always have been and always will be."

"Shut up already and help me!"

Sigh. "Only because you are my friend, not because I think this will do anything."

Pause. Frantic breathing. Grunts. Thuds.

"There. What time is it?"

"11:10."

"Okay... Almost. Close the door. Bolt it. The third one too. Okay, checking everything and...what are the seconds?"

"50...51...52...53..."

"O-okay. Stand back from the door, quickly! I hope ten feet below ground is enough, maybe we should have--"

"58...59..."

Beep-beebeep-beep-beebeep-beep-beebeep...Slam!

Pause.

"Now are you satisfied? The world has ended."

Grace sighed again and walked over to the bunker door. She had just graduated from college eight months ago, and had a nice teaching job in the local middle school. A tall, curvy half-Asian, she had a no-nonsense attitude when it came to living life, and being afraid of the world ending was one of them. Her attire said it all--a worn T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers with the heels almost falling off. Not even a coat or a poncho in case an 80-foot tsunami should crash into their bunker and send a surge of water into the room. She unlocked the door with her well-manicured nails and looked up into the clear Michigan winter.

"Don't!" Too late. Micky shied away from the light like a vampire and, for a moment, thought about shoving Grace out and locking the door.

But, the time had passed.

"Maybe it was supposed to be 11:11 in California." Grace scoffed and walked up the stone stairs and into the sunlight.

100 packages of Ramen, 100 cans of assorted vegetables, 100 cans of tuna in water, 288 bottles of water, a can opener, three ponchos, a GPS, two switch blades, a shotgun, 100 rounds of ammunition, 30 feet of rope, a rechargable electric lantern, two weeks of clothes, three pairs of hiking shoes, two rechargable flashlights, and a radio. Micky had filled the bunker half-full of shit, and for what?

He felt congested in this space, and followed Grace outside, slowly. He was a few inches taller than Grace, but skinnier. In his eyes, he wasn't a wimp, but he wasn't really a muscle man either. He could bench press 120 lbs. and carry his little sister of nine years around on his back. However, when it came to things like the world ending, he could squawk around like the best of them. Decidedly White, even though he really was full German, Michael Burkberat couldn't help but feel a little cheated.

Inside his mom's house, Helena teased him while "Spongebob Squarepants" skipped to a commercial.

"Hey bro, back so soon? Or..." Helena's bright blue eyes opened wide in mock horror, "Are we in Hell already? Wow, I didn't know they had Spongebob in Hell."

"Shut up Helena!"

But the child was already sticking her tongue out at a Princess Barbie commercial, lost in her short attention span.

"Bested by a nine-year-old, Micky just give it a rest." Grace opened up a can of 7-up and took a few gulps, walking over to the couch and taking up the remote, "And no need to watch this crap."

"Hey!"

Channel 31...30...29...

"Oh Micky, back so soon!"

Micky's mom, Margie, had worn herself gray between Michael's paranoia and Helena's childish antics. Already retired from her doctor job, she had hoped to enjoy the rest of her days taking care of her children and making sure that they always had a home to return to in case things were bad. In Micky's case, he never left, which she thought was her fault. Like mothers before her, she had refused to kick her twenty-four-year-old son out of the house.

She walked into the kitchen to make some ham sandwiches for Helena and Grace.

"The same Grace?"

"Yes please."

Channel 10...9...8...

"Wait!" Micky shouted, the adrenaline kick starting his nervous system, allowing him to dart forward faster than he intended, knocking his knee on the edge of the couch. "Ow! Wait! Turn to Channel 8 again!"

Micky didn't wait and took the remote.

"It's just the news, there's always something bad on..." Bur Grace shut up once the anchorwoman's horror struck voice pierced the room.

"Not like anything before. A...a uh... The resulting landslide has destroyed residential areas 30 miles in radius of Mt. Rainier, the northern face completely... Another bulletin. An 80-foot tsunami is heading towards the east coast, and will strike around 8pm tonight. Residents have nine hours to evacuate. I guess..." The middle-aged woman halted in disbelief, "2012 is true..."

The TV was turned off.

"Hey!"

Grace glared at him and threw the remote over to Helena, who almost didn't catch it in time.

"Enough. Just because the Earth is catching up with us, everyone needs to panic. I feel sorry for the people in Washington, I really do, but all the other states are fine, and the other countries are fine. It's just America having these problems. Everyone's scared that the world will come to an end because an ancient calendar ended. So they panic, making every disaster that happens today apart of the 2012 phenomenon.

"Every day people in third world countries are killed for the sake of religion, politics, and resources. Every day children die of disease because no one wants to give them already available immunizations. Today, our country is in trouble, and we cry about it like it's never happened anywhere else. Like people haven't suffered in other time in history. It's all bull shit."

Grace took a sandwich from Marg, saying thank you, and walked away. Marg smiled and nodded. Helena turned the TV back onto Spongebob, and Micky slumped down into the couch behind her.

"Oh no, Patrick! Watch out! It's okay Spongebob, I know what to do--oh, hey Spongebob, what does D-A-N-G-E-R mean? Huh? AAAAAAH!"

On Shuffle

Metallica-"Enter Sandman"

I had a nightmare when I was around nine years old.

At the time, I was into Power Rangers, and I wanted to be the Blue Ranger because blue was and still is my favorite color. The nightmare was set in this white-washed nineties TV show, and the bad guys were (oddly) from the live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, another show I watched. With the big bird baby and the wolf baby mutants.

I was standing at the base of a tall building, which for some reason I thought was the Empire State Building. My mom and I were talking about the divorce my dad and her had just gone through a few months ago. We were both wearing sun hats and dresses, though I hardly wear dresses at all.

Then, I heard a scream, and I saw a body falling and crashing into a car below. I rushed over, with a cold grip of certainty you only have in dreams. It was my dad, and then I woke up...crying...

DDR-"Dark Black Forest"

I've always liked music I could dance to. Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) is one of my favorite games on the Playstation 2 (PS2), and due to my athletic ability (?) and hips, I can proudly play Standard Mode. My brother, who I introduced to the game when I was still a Light Moder, is now Heavy-Challenge Moder, surpassing me in height and flexibility.

Men. They eat like garbage cans and grow like trees, and we women can only grow hips and give birth. Sometimes I wish I had been born a man.

Now, I only play DDR if they have it in the arcades.

Grease-"Grease Lightning"

My car was bought in the beginning of last summer, and I'm constantly worried that it will break down randomly like my previous Jeep did. It's winter now, and my Jeep broke down last winter in the beginning of January. It's December 24th.

Perhaps if I had a better knowledge of cars then I wouldn't have to worry about the uncertainty of my car breaking down... But cars have never interested me. I know that if I learned more about them, then I would be able to take care of my used cars. But like most technology, I just let it die and then buy something else.

This seems to be a rampant problem in American society...

Journey-"Faithfully"

I've had two boyfriends in four years. My first boyfriend was a high school crush. Not even a crush, he had a crush on me, and I was flattered enough to attempt a relationship. Frankly, I started it out of curiosity.

However, I soon found out that we really didn't have anything in common. Then it took another year-and-a-half to finally end it...

My current relationship is going better, so far. I still have that fear of separation, that, ultimately, it's all futile. I sometimes think that I'm just not made for relationships; I'm too cold, brutally honest, cynical. It's not easy to be in a relationship with a Bipolar Pessimist...

Last night, I told him my reoccurring fear; of dying and everyone dying.

But every time he brushes my hair out fo my eyes, and whispers that everything's all right, and will continue to be all right, I can't help but believe him.

???-"Dr. Mario with Lyrics"

OMG! This song is epic! I've never played "Dr. Mario," but this song makes me want to.

Mario...everyone of our generation should know the Mario franchise, even our parents know it because we keep playing it day in and day out~and they yell at us to turn the TV off because it's dinner time. Mario has changed all of our lives! XD

Queen-"Don't Stop Me Now"

My dream is to graduate college, live in Japan while teaching English, learn enough Japanese to become a translator, then travel the world, move back to the U.S. to be an English teacher and online translator, get married, have kids, raise them up with a better knowledge of the world than I did, hope that they can live on their own, and then die without regrets.

I would say that I'd want to get married with a person that I love, but that's a given, so it's not really a dream.

I used to want to change the world, but I've long given up that dream. I've found that most leaders either become corrupt or die young~and I would rather take care of the next generation, and hope that I can do something to back them up. I don't like my generation that much, so I have chosen to teach the next instead of being tortured in the present.

Aerosmith-"I Don't Want to Miss a Thing"

I have a bad memory, which impedes on the good things in life. I have many missed opportunities. Each day I wonder what it would be like to not be this way, if I could have more motivation to remember and interact with people--to have more confidence in myself and be...perfect.

But no one's perfect, I reason. We each have our own demons and angels, every person in the world.

When I saw "Armageddon," I cried. Crying is a sign we still feel, and that even if our minds might not remember certain things, our bodies never forget what it's like to be human by constantly crying. This is why I don't care whether you're a guy or a girl, crying is just a form of expression. Anyone who says different is fucked up. That's why,

"I just wanna hold you close, feel your heart so closed to mine, and just stay here in this moment for all the rest of time--Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

That's why, even though I forget too many things to be "normal," every day I try to smile at least once, be grateful at least once, and laugh at least once. The most important thing people can share with each other is the power of a smile...

Europe-"The Final Countdown"

Whenever I hear this song, I'm reminded of all those motivational workout videos, with the epic Rocky Balboa jog to the top of steps.

Needless to say, my current boyfriend picked this song out for me to download, this song fits his personality--a never-give-up, single-minded, intelligent, kind person.

"IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!"

He dropped out of college, and most people would call him a loser. I know his younger brother does, and constantly rubs it in his face. Phil vs. Austin, which brother is the better? I personally believe Austin is a better person, not just brother, but that's based on closed-minded bias. Everyone has their own positive and negative attributes, albeit some people have more than others. Phil likes to compete with his brother, and act like he's the boss, and I just want to punch him in his pretty face sometimes.

However, like most annoying and stupid people, I am going through my own trial with him. I tend to be very patient, and I see this as a test of my patience, and coming to terms with Austin's faults, which Phil likes to point out to me.

Rascal Flatts-"Life is a Highway"

Now I'm reminded of "Highway to Hell"... But whether for good or bad, life is certainly a highway, a road to traverse, an adventure, with bumpy Michigan potholes, and uncertainty, and "I wanna ride it all night long!"

Right now, I'm preparing for a big New Year's bash at my house. We have a caravan of seven people, though the van only fits five... But us young adults don't care, there's no law against it, so we're going to pack it in and shove on out.

Road trips have always been my dream, traveling to the future with friends, family, people we care about the most. I've always loved that feeling, the feeling that shoves all the bad things under the bed and keeps smiling no matter what~

"Life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long... You're going my way, I'm wanna drive you ALL NIGHT LONG!"

Road trips is another mysterious play of human nature, no matter who it's with, we always turn out to be friends in the end. Amen to Life.

DDR-"Drop the Bomb"

Another DDR song, and it reminds me of when I was beginning to start Standard songs. I've always liked the techno upbeat songs, and I think most people would be with me. Humans like to move their bodies, and what's better than an upbeat techno song to get the muscle twitching?

I like going to clubs mainly cuz they play this kind of music.

Weird Al-"Polkarama"

Weird Al is one of my favorite artists. He can take a parody of a song and use witty humor to make people laugh and dance. Polkarama takes a mix of songs from various ages, and puts it to an accordion Polka dance, which is quite humorous.

Parody Artists like Weird Al are so good that they can make money on just their parodies, and I've always wanted to be a parodist, but I'm not very funny. "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hawt like me?" ROFLMAO!

Now I'm just dancing, this song always makes me happy whenever I'm down "I'll take you to the candy shop, let you lick a lollipop!"

"Hey mister DJ!"

"She'd take my moneh, when I'm in need"

Weirdly, Al Yankovic has a pretty good voice that is adapted to many types of songs. He's parodied rap, rock, pop, swing, etc.

My Family

This is my family, I thought today. When the beginning of Winter Break started, and the house was quiet except for the typing of my keys, I realized that my loneliness was a sham...

~***~

"Yes, they're having a party again." sigh, "And once again they didn't tell me about it."

"Well, that stinks." My boyfriend answered through my cell phone, "Are they boozing again?"

"Of course."

Erin was in her room, quiet as always, and Jen... Well Jen got the short stick, she is in the room downstairs with only her door between her and the rowdy party guests. We were all putting up with it because it was Tony's birthday, the only man in a house full of girls... He's gay, so don't worry.

I had come down to get a glass of water. Not really liking the taste of water, I get severely dehydrated after long periods of abstinence, and then I drink the entirety of the Nile River in a day...

Dressed in pajamas with nothing underneath, I felt a little awkward sauntering down the crooked, narrow stairs into a crowd I didn't know. But it was late, and I didn't really care about my body because I was happily with my boyfriend of a year now. The eyes kept bothering me though. I strained a smile, not really looking at anyone, and pressed my way into the kitchen.

"Oh hey!" Danielle said, her face flushed and her wiry blond hair more poofy than usual, "Sorry about the noise, we're trying to keep it down."

"It's fine, I'm just thirsty."

I grab a tall glass from the cupboard, the pitcher of filtered water from the fridge, and pour.

Taking a sip, I suddenly felt lighter, like I could breath again. Being slightly claustrophobic, perhaps the crowd did unnerve me more than I believed... With the glass, I scurried back to my room at the end of the hallway.

~***~

"Yeah, I have the Kitchen this week--God dammit!" I threw the towel I had been using to dry my hands into the sink, "I don't even eat here that often! I hardly have any food, so I don't cook anything, and yet they stick me with the messiest room in the house!"

"That's dumb. Just tell them that someone else should do it."

A day later I mopped the floor and cleaned the counter tops, but I did not wash a single dirty dish in the sink.

~***~

"Uh-huh. Wait. I smell smoke... They're probably smoking downstairs in the basement where the heater is. Fuck, now I have a headache!"

"Hmm. Smoke gives me a headache too. Take some Ibuprofen."

"No..."

I want to just lie in the bed and go to sleep, I wanted to say, but the feeling that I must talk to him surpassed the fatigue. I didn't want this family; I had asked them if they watched a lot of TV, smoked, drank, and they all said "not a lot." They lied. This stupid house with its stupid lax environment. I hate it, I thought. In a place I could finally call my home, I feel even more lonely.

The hum of the heater turned off, and I buried my head underneath the sheets until the smell went away.

~***~

Right now, there is a Christmas tree in our dining room. It's leaning back against the wall because the stand is too weak to protect it from our cats. Nick, Tony's cat, always wants to climb it, even though he knows the branches are too thin to support him. Momo, my cat, eats the fake leaves and I have to constantly bat him away. Around the tree hangs five stockings: Red, White, Light Blue, Dark Blue, and Silver. Though our names aren't on them...and they probably won't be full of candy come Christmas time, they hang as watchers of the crooked tree.

"Can you guess which one's yours?" Tony asked, when I had come back from work a couple weeks ago.

I looked at them for a second. "The blue one?"

"Well duh, but which one?"

I point at the darker one. I am correct. Then I notice, my house mates stand, the first time in a long while, smiling at me despite my outward appearance and awkwardness. And more than harsh criticism, I want to say "I'm sorry."

Womanly Scents

Light, rich, alluring... The human mind is a woven net of smells. Takes a look around.

The Flowers

Japanese Cherry Blossom

花見（はなみ）　Hanami, flower-viewing. In the spring, the cities of Japan are filled with cherry blossoms blowing in on the wind from the nearby hills. They have festivals throughout the country dedicated to watching these beautiful, delicate petals, holding picnics beneath pouring pink snow. Thousands of people sometimes, and they would all gather in parks and shrines--fascinated for an hour by the magnificence of nature.

Gowned Jasmine

I loved Disney movies when I was a kid, and not much has changed. For the Spring Dance in freshmen year of college--when things are still new--my friends planned to dress up like Disney Princesses. At first they thought I would make a great Jasmine, but then my friend Lauren cried out, “No! She can be Mulan!” and everyone else agreed. I'm Half-Japanese...

Plumeria

...is a flower that you can find on the islands of Hawaii. It is distinguished by its yellow-white petals that curl up at the edges and layer themselves like a windmill. It is a common flower to make leis out of, and the smell is soft and refreshing.

E komo mai o Hawai'i. If only I could hear those words again.

Hibiscus

...is my mom's favorite flower. Because it likes room temperature, she sets her hibiscus plants (she has two) in the parlor room during winter. She isn't the Japanese-Hawaiian one, Dad is, but he lives two thousand miles away in California with the woman whom he met months before my parents' divorce.

Butterfly Flower

At Put-in-Bay, Ohio I got to see my first butterfly house. Not the inside where the butterflies were, but the outside where the shop was. It was six dollars to get in and--being with a ragtag group of tourists--we thought it was money that could be better spent on Death by Chocolate Cheesecake. So, I decided to buy my mom her birthday present, a butterfly wind chime that cost ten dollars.

Tiger Lily

"oh yes speaking of which yup i'm still here in lancaster, england. two more weeks of school before i europetrot a little till 1/1/10! i just got back from an AWESOME roadtrip to inverness, scotland (where loch ness is), i wished i could have done that in US!!"

--TingXuan Ho, former co-worker, current penpal who also loves literature and traveling

Enchanted Orchid

Aunt Jill was my Biology teacher in middle school. For a class project she herded us to the hill by the P.E. fields and we planted flowers. It was reported in the local news, along with a grinning photograph of my aunt while she was single, radiant, and easy-going.

Hundred-Petaled Lily

I hope to get married someday. In fact, like most girls, I have my wedding already planned out--Sunset at the beach in a white dress dyed blue at the ends and forget-me-nots in my hair. My groom in a light button-shirt, tie, and pants. The smell of salt, a wide expanse of possibilities and nerves.

The Plants

Green Clover and Aloe

My childhood was spent looking for four-leaf clovers and getting in trouble.

Red Ivy and Rosemary

I can smell the chicken up in my room, and my stomach growls. For a moment, I forget my teenage worries, but when my mom comes in unannounced I close my book with a snap.

"I told you I wanted to talk to you about something important."

I nodded, it was mere formality. She sighs and takes my hand.

"Are you and Austin doing it?"

"Doing it?"

"Having SEX." she says impatiently, with an awkward smile.

Pause.

"Yes."

"Are you using protection?"

"Yes. We know how to take care of ourselves."

"No. No you don't. You're young and active, but you forget things sometimes. I'm only worrying about you, do you know that even doing it properly can still result in your getting pregnant? Are you ready for that responsibility?"

Her voice is cracking. Her eyes water. I try to keep calm, but I instinctively cry with her. I am my mother's daughter, and just like my mother's mother, my mom is only trying to look out for me. This conversation leads nowhere concretely, but emotionally we grow closer as mother and daughter.

Leaves

Autumn. Colors. Jumping. Children screaming in joy. But not a very good smell... puts it back.

Roots

Japan. Samurai. Fighting. Farmers pulling rice, bare-back.

The Foods

Mango Mandarin

I will eat anything mango. My friends, family, and boyfriend know this--that's how rampant my adoration of mango is. Cake, pudding, candy, smoothie, glaze, topping, filling, anything that has mango I will try, and ninety-nine-percent of the time will like. But I already have this one...puts it back.

Blueberry Pineapple

I don't eat raw blueberries, they're too tasteless to me. I also couldn't eat pineapple for a while after I got a stomach flu and puked up pineapple in my mom's car. It took two years to get up the courage to eat pineapple again. I didn't puke. So, I ate all the Hawaiian pizzas I liked. But I still don't like raw blueberries.

Creamy Coconut

The first time I tasted and smelled coconut was in the second grade. I lived in Hawai'i, and the daily activity was carving necklace beads out of coconut shells. We cracked the shell, drained it, carved out the meat, and sand-papered the fragments out to be smooth, dark, and shiny like stones. We also got to eat the meat of the coconut left behind. But, my teacher warned me, eating too much makes you dizzy. In response, I ate too much and got dizzy...

Soggy Corn

The first time I walked through a corn field was in Michigan. I only walked a few steps in, panicked, and turned back to the road. Too many horror stories start in the middle of dense cornfields.

Later that year, the corn was cut down, snow fell, and the land drastically changed. Occassionally, I would look out of my window, my breath fogging up the glass and wonder what the farmers were doing now that everything was dead.

Pink Grapefruit

My grandmother likes eating healthy things, always trying to feed my brother and I half of the whole of something--like skim milk (white water). Some of her concoctions did taste good; for instance, Insalata Caprese salad made out of a slice of tomato, a leaf of basil, and a wedge of soft mozzerella cheese. Others, like pure pink grapefruit, I couldn't handle.

Pink Strawberry

My grandmother likes to push things on me. Shopping, fashion, table manners, and boyfriends. My mom rolls her eyes, saying something along the lines of "at least she pays attention to YOU." So I bare the trips to the mall, the lunch outings, and the manicure. But, this isn't me. I don't wear pink or pay $50 for a shirt. By sheer luck, one of the days I had planned to visit, mom got a call from grandma saying she had gotten food poisoning from eating strawberries.

Vanilla

The smell of vanilla gives me a headache. I love vanilla bean ice cream, but the artificial fragrance is too much... places it back on the counter.

Citrus

It's getting close to winter, I need to stock up on lotion and chap-stick. This new White Citrus smells pretty good, I'm impressed.

Yuletide Pear Vanilla

Now why ruin a perfectly good holiday with vanilla?

The Places

Dancing Waters

There's something special about water, our very bodies are seventy-percent water, and the clear opacity of water is almost something out of a sci-fi movie. Watching it swish around a bowl, or pour from a glass, or, if you're lucky, reflect a sun rise as the calm waves seem to glimmer and dance—it's so beautiful you wonder how something so simple as water can be so amazing.

Thunderous Ocean

Westcoast girl born and raised. I'm tired of lakes and rocks--give me warm sand in between my toes, salt on my tongue, and a boogieboard (bodyboard).

Moonlight Path

Once when I was about fourteen, I woke up to the sounds of my Mom and her boyfriend, my stepdad Phil, duking it out on their bed. I sighed, slipped my shoes on, and went outside until it was finished. Luckily, it was a warm summer night. I spent a good hour looking up at the moon and wondering if all adults are this inconsiderate. Now, nineteen and soon to be twenty, I understand a little more.

Strobelight Walk

When I was nineteen I visited the Necto Club in Ann Arbor with some friends. It was goth/punk day, so everyone was wearing black Lolita clothes and chains. Me in my light-up black cat shirt and jeans seemed too preppy to these guys. But my boyfriend, Austin, just jumped onto the dance floor and dragged me with him. It took a while for my muscles to loosen up, and before midnight I was jumping up and down while he unbuttoned his shirt and bared his chest. Then my friend Jackie got up on one of the dance poles, and I followed soon after.

Cotton Blossom

Some scents girls aren't supposed to talk about, but others a woman can. Like the scent of two bodies between the sheets, and the discovery of one's sexuality amidst awkward touching and poking. I had a discussion with one of my coworkers while we were cleaning the grill about the morals of living together with my boyfriend before we're married.

“Don't you want to experience the excitement of buying stuff for your house? It's so cute when married couples go out shopping.”

I don't see how dating couples are any less cute.

Velvet Husk

My grandma on my father's side died when I was three. She was cremated to the Japanese tradition, and my mom tells me I was there, but I don't remember any of it. I only have a photograph of her, perhaps the last. Grandpa is sitting on the right, Grandma on the left, and I'm being held between them. Hawaiian mountains are in the background. Grandma, if you were alive today, would you be proud of me?

Twilight Woods

Even the word "twilight" gets me on edge. I don't want to read it, look at it, or see another trailer of it on TV. And "twilight" used to have a good connotation too...

Dawn Tree

I'm writing a book. It isn't finished yet, and I don't expect it to be until well into my life. It will be the compilation of all the philosophies on the human condition, including existentialism, faith, love, hate, war, etc. Life in short. And it's going to be a sci-fi.

The Others

Black Amethyst

My brother was born on October 25th, 1992. He was eleven pounds (I don't know how my mom did it). Now, Jared is a few inches taller than me, half my weight, and I'm cursing the gods of genetics.

Blue Topaz

I was born on December 10th, 1989. I was around nine pounds, and now not only am I heavier than my brother while being shorter, but I'm also not as good at math.

P.S. I Love You

My first boyfriend and I lived around two thousand miles apart. I was going to high school in Michigan, he was entering college in Oregon. From the beginning it was doomed to fail, I can see that now. In our emails to each other, when we were still content in just experiencing the feeling of being in a relationship, we would always write a post script. Most often than not, it would be “P.S. I love you so much!”

P.S. I Hate You

I lost a friend over the summer. Lily was her name, and she didn't die. She had been with me for a good eight months before she went studying abroad in Japan, then miscommunication made me jealous, which made her angry, which made her say things to get me angry, which ended it. Her last words to me were through email, even though I begged to talk to her on the phone. But, she goes to the same school as me, and I see her now without having the luxury to talk to her anymore.

Unless You Buy

"I'm not going to go, unless you buy." I once said to my second boyfriend, my current boyfriend, when I was visiting during the summer time. I closed my mouth in ashamed. The icing on the cake was his reply,

"Then I'll pay for it." He's working as a lifeguard with $9,000 in loans to pay off before he can go back to college.

Unless We Marry

Austin's family is too confusing. His mother welcomes me into her home, but then says I'm not truly family until I marry her son. Then what am I? A "close" friend? Plus, they don't let him drive their cars, even though he's twenty-four and has had his license for over a year now. Austin and I are now thinking of living together next year, and his mom has said if he isn't out by next year she'll kick him out. My coworker won't like it, we're not married yet, but who cares.

Zealous Dreams

I write because I cannot speak. I love because I cannot like. I dream because I cannot do. But I try, asking my mom if God would let me write in Heaven.

I think I'll buy this one.