Elvira Moore: Act I, Scene One, Orientation

Elvira is standing alone. She is nervous and out-of-place wearing a sweater, long skirt, and backpack. A voice off-stage says, in an official manner,

Off-stage Voice: "Now, when the ball is passed to you, please state your name, where you come from, and what you look forward to the most now that you're in college."

A beach ball is thrown on-stage and Elvira catches it with a surprised cry.

Elvira: "O-oh, me?"

Off-stage Voice (a little annoyed): "Yes, you. Come on, come on. Don't be shy."

Elvira looks around and takes a deep breath.

Elvira (still nervous): Hi. Hey. Hello...What's uuup? (with hang-loose hand signal) Well, my name's Elvira Moore... Aaand, um... (pauses) I'm sorry what else am I supposed to say?

Off-stage Voice (now very annoyed): Where are you from and what do you look forward to the most. Hurry up, we don't have all day (in a whisper: "House" is on in ten minutes, geeze!)

Elvira: Oh yah! Sorry, sorry. Yah. My name's Elvira aaaand I'm from Middleton. What I look forward to the most... (thinks about it) Well, I guess I just want to make friends. And...(lights fade behind her and spotlight is the only light) find out who I really am.

Que opening song. Trash can is pushed into the center-right of the stage as everyone sings and appears onstage from both sides, acting like it's the first day of school. People greet each other, hug, and ignore each other. Christian is surrounded by fellow soccer players, including Omar, kicking a soccer ball around. Sarah and Michelle from Beta Omega Omega Beta are passing out their first issue of Kissa on the right of the stage, which is being immediately discarded in the trash can as people walk across. Elvira enters from the right, carrying books and backpack, is handed a magazine, and stares at it in curiosity, singing. She walks to center stage and sings a solo. Tony rides a bike from the left, carrying a notebook and pencil, wearing loose cargo pants and a t-shirt. Sara enters from the right, skipping, wearing lab goggles over her eyes, a stained lap coat, and yellow cleaning gloves. Tony crashes into Elvira and they both fall. Elvira drops the books and Tony drops his notebook and pencil. Everyone around them stops singing and freezes. Spotlight is on Elvira, Tony, and Sara. Sara starts picking up the books, watching Tony and Elvira speak.

Elvira: Ow! Geeze! Are you all right?

Tony (leaves his bike and frantically searches for his notebook and pencil): Yah, well, I was (frustrated). I've got to get to class, and... Dammit! (Sara hands him his notebook, it's sopping wet) Of course! (shakes fists at the sky) God, why do you hate me?!

Elvira (standing up and rushing over to his side over-enthusiastically): I'm so sorry! If there's anything I can do just tell me I would give you one of my notebooks but I haven't bought them yet but I can help you find your pencil what class are you--

Tony (holding his hand up and pushing Elvira away: Whoa, whoa, whoa! (pauses dramatically, dusting himself off) Woah! Geeze! Don't be so...happy. What is it with freshmen and being happy all the time? They always think college is an adventure...(picks up his bike and gets on. Elvira walks closer to him)

Elvira: But it is an adventure! So many people to meet and so many things to learn. And everyone wants the same thing I want, to find who they are!

Tony (looking over at her in skepticism and disbelief): What the fuck are you talking about? (Elvira is shocked at his swearing) Nobody gives a shit about that. They just want to pass class, get drunk, and have sex with the hottest person in school. (light shines on BOOB, and they nod their heads enthusiastically and agree, Theresa yells "Hell ya!" and takes a drag of her cigarette) Look, take my advice. If you want to survive until you graduate (looks her up and down and laughs) you better change your clothes. (rides off-stage) To Sara: That goes for you too, blondie.

Tony exits. Everyone else continues what they're doing while Elvira and Sara pick up the rest of the books. They stand up and Sara gives the rest of the books to Elvira.

Sara (while Elvira is eying her nervously): Don't listen to him, he's a square. (looks up with a quizzical look) What's that Michael Myers? You want to kill him? Yes, by all means. Just don't get blood on the carpet.

Elvira takes a step back.

Elvira: Who are you talking to?

Sara (smiling): Oh, that's my imaginary uncle. He likes to stalk and kill people. Haven't you ever seen Halloween?

Elvira shakes her head and cluthes her books tighter, shuffling a little more away.

Sara: No matter! You will soon know everything about him. We are, after all, roommates.

Elvira: What?! How do you know?

Sara (points at one of her books): Your name's written in there, and in my housing letter it said my roommate is Elvira Moore. There isn't two of you is there?

Elvira: I hope so.

The bell for first period rings and everyone rushes off-stage.

Sara (not hearing what Elvira said): Uh oh! I have to hurry, I can't be late for my first Chemistry class! See ya later, Beep Beep! (impersonates the road runner)

Sara runs off-stage. Elvira looks at the audience and does a monologue (but I'm too lazy to put it here)